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  • Hubert Marlin

What to Do When You Find Out You’ve Been Cheated On


Some studies suggest that cheating occurs in about half of all relationships. Being cheated on can be a profoundly painful experience, and it can be hard to know what to do after the initial discovery.

If your relationship is on the line, make sure you have the correct information about what happened. If you suspect that cheating occurred, or if you heard the information second-hand, don’t jump to conclusions just yet. You need to have a conversation with your partner. It will be horribly painful, but there’s no way around that.

Discovering that your partner was cheating on you is incredibly painful. Knowing who it was, when it started, what they did and where, why that person… there is almost no answer that your partner can give you that won’t gouge out parts of your soul. Everyone who’s discovered their partner’s indiscretions almost always says the same thing: “I wish I’d never found out.” Processing the fact that your partner has been banging someone else is painful enough. All asking for the details will do is give you things to torture yourself with and images that will never leave your head. Ignorance isn’t exactly bliss in this case but it’s a hell of a lot less painful. and at the same time, it depends of the type of individual you are some would like to know, not always to torture their mind but to understand where they have failed. And this is for the purpose of not forcibly take back the same partner but to do better in the next relationship, or save the relationship if need be by changing. Also, if you want to understand, then you don’t want the “whats” or “hows”, you want the “whys” – the motivation behind the affair. Why? Well that’s because…

It always better during the conversation not to ask for all the gory details of the affair. A partner who would try to tell you how good was the person with whom it cheated on you, want most likely to hurt. Therefore, you should understand that the motivations were mainly to switch on you. The precision on every detail can be done in order to kill the relationship. In this case it is better to let it go because as long as the person has not achieved its goal of getting you away, it will start again, and the shameful situations that follow the solicitation of a relationship never grow those who risk it. The best love is the one which is mutual, this can never be stated enough.

Give yourself some room take a time out from the relation, if you live in the same place move out create some distance and start to appreciate the life without the other partner, because the first and most important thing about handling the aftermath of being cheated on is self-care.

Your emotions are going to be all over the place after finding out about your partner cheating. You’re going to need time to figure out up-from-down, much less figure out your next steps. After you’ve heard your partner out, tell them that you need some time alone to think about what you’re going to do. Ask them to respect your boundaries and not contact you until you reach out.

If a cheater wants to save the relationship, it is unwise to deny or withhold any part of the truth. Rigorous honesty is not easy. Cheaters don’t enjoy it. Partners don’t enjoy it either. It can be emotionally painful. However, it is a necessary part of healing, and relationship trust cannot be fully restored without it.

It’s understandable that some automatically assume that an infidelity is a relationship extinction event; that betrayal of both the intimacy and identity is the crime that can never be forgiven.

But should it be? While the betrayal hurts, is that crime so great that it’s worth ending a relationship over it?

This isn’t an idle or rhetorical question; it’s something that you need to ask yourself. Considering the circumstances of how and when you were cheated on, is the crime so great that it outweighs everything – every happy memory you have together, your emotional intimacy, your friendship, your relationship with your children (if you have them). Or is it something that – while painful – you are willing and able to forgive? Is it possible for your partner to make amends?

It’s also worth examining whether your ending things is what you want or what you’re supposed to want. The cultural narrative is that if someone cheats on you, then that’s it, you kick them to the curb. Once a cheater, always a cheater, etc. There’s a surprising amount of stigma towards people who forgive their partners for having cheated on them. People judge others who stay with a cheater as being weak, as being afraid or stupid or just plain naive. It’s hard for many people to imagine that someone can still love their partner, even though they’ve hurt them or even that being cheated on is simply not something bad enough to end a relationship over.

That’s not to say that there’s a right or wrong answer here; everyone has to judge their relationship’s worth against the affair. Many relationships simply can’t survive afterwards. Some of them frankly shouldn’t.

A relationship without trust isn’t a relationship; it’s just one person trying to regulate another’s behavior. While it’s perfectly justified to be less trusting in the aftermath of an affair, part of repairing the relationship is rebuilding that trust. This is a two-sided undertaking; your partner earns that trust back by demonstrating that they’re worthy of that trust while you allow them to do so and learn to let yourself trust them again. This is, of course, predicated on the idea that both parties are acting in good faith. After all, someone who’s only going through the motions of being trustworthy is someone you should kick to the curb at the first available opportunity. At the same time, though, it’s unfair – even needlessly cruel – to allow someone to try and try to re-earn your trust if you can’t or won’t ever give it back to them. If you are always going to be looking for signs that they’re cheating, or about to cheat, or might be thinking of cheating, then you simply don’t trust them.

At this point, it’s better just to end things instead of prolonging both of your misery.

Similarly, part of forgiving your partner is to actually forgive them and let the wound heal. Constantly holding their mistakes over their heads isn’t forgiveness, it’s just needless cruelty. If they’re working to make amends and you pull out their past deeds like a manipulative weapon, then all that’s happened is that is that you’ve thrown their love and effort back in their face. A healthy relationship can’t survive that sort of behavior. Yes, they hurt you, perhaps badly; that doesn’t justify shitty behavior in return on your part, especially if they’re trying to repair the damage they caused. Either actually forgive them or end it cleanly.

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